Many of you . . .
Some given quantity (and quality beat mere quantity) of you knows that I will be included in a fantastic "LITERARY" Dark Fiction Collection,
I CAN TASTE THE BLOOD . . . Well there' a great site up:
Lots of people are talking about moving to Canada from the US. This is even better-- Go to WWW.ICANTASTEHEBLOOD.GREYMATTERPRESS.COM
[Extraneous Rabelaisian New Yorker SCREED--- skip if you like and just read the end of this post . . . but, Your God, definitely not mine, man, but doesn't that word "LITERARY" just stink to high hell like the fucking perfumed wigs they wear in Britain's parliament to this day, and Lacrosse sweaters tied around some moccasin-wearing Jackass' neck, and mindless worship of "memoirs" over invented narratives, and unquestionable devotion to Henry James and James Joyce even though they're so boring ("Turn of the Screw" and "The Dead" being their respective exceptions), and cock-tailers (Good one, I'm adding that to my notes) who chat about all those authors of White Middle-Class Grief, I'm not naming names because it's a waste of ink if you print this; and worst of all doesn't that word remind you . . . Well, it reminds ME of PROFESSORS who teach writing (THAT'S A GOOD ONE! First Lesson-- Let's sit in a circle and share constructive feedback...like it's a self-help group . . . Jesus all you need's a diary for that, or be in AAA or something) and these professors think it's a big deal to have smelled one of Norman Mailer's farts once . . . it was steak, bloody rare . . . and only goes into "mere fantasy" if it's Borges or Saramago, or Italo Calvino--All great writers, btw--but only them and "that" crowd,, etc. . . .P.S.-- if anyone knows of any open writing teaching positions, please let me know, I'm game.
END OF SCREED]
--As I was saying, a I will soon be appearing in a truly, non-ironic, non-stupid, but TRULY LITERARLLY LITERARY DARK COLLECTION of FIVE NOVELLAS, called I CAN TASTE THE BLOOD and edited by Grey Matter Press whizzes Anthony Rivera and John F.D. Taff.
PLEASE VISIT WWW.ICANTASTETHEBLOOD.GREYMATTERPRESS.COM
Go frequently, like a semi-automatic American shooting or a man with prostrate troubles whose stream has devolved in mere drops.
It is an AWESOME website frequently updated with new content. And there's a BLOG OF BLOOD (So Spider-Baby!) where each of the five scribes, well, blog--so as to talk about themselves and the book and---NO, IT'S NOT LIKE A MEMOIR! That much I swear (If I ever did swear, that is. It's bad etiquette).
At WWW.ICANTASTETHEBLOOD.GREYMATTERPRESS.COM WARNING: the text in the paragraph after this one is a different color than the preceding ones, and I have no idea why, but who cares? I always say, when offered to accept a weird proposition: "You had me at Who Cares?"
You can learn more about the AUTHORS (Including PHOTOS, so you can have your favorite I Can Taste The Blood author like how everyone has a favorite Beatle--Mine's George, btw--or print me and hang me up on a wall and throw darts at that dark shadow under my lower lip, drop me in the toilet and snap pics of "the Author" riding your turd or sinking into your (hopefully) honey-golden piss, or catch my photo's diminishing mid-flush surprise-- You get the picture . . . )
FOUR OF THE AUTHORS ARE MORE TALENTED THAN I AM AND YOU SHOULD READ THE BOOK IF ONLY FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS (Well OK I think I am worth reading sometimes, let's be honest and call a bolus a bolus, if I'm a bolus, I'm a fine bolus):
2...J. Daniel Stone!
4...Erik T. Me (Johnson to you, Mister)!
5...John F.D. Taff (John to me!)
VISIT FREQUENTLY, LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL BORN INTO A HIGHLY ORTHODOX RELIGIOUS GROUP GOES TO A MEATPACKING DISTRICT TRANSVESTITE BAR JUST TO STAND IN THE CORNER AND WATCH. GO LIKE A LOSER MAKING THE LINE FOR COFFEE LONGER AS HE RATTLES OFF 1,000 DIFFERENT LOTTERY NUMBERS FOR THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER.
What is this font color? Forest Green. Gangrene would be cool
I am pleased to type quietly to myself that my short novella, set in the 19th Century and around the theme of "Atlantis" (Not Donovan's Atlantis, that's for sure) is now appearing in issue #37 of the great Lovecraft eZine issue.
#37 is now available in three formats: FREE if you read it on the website; $2.99 for a beautifully formatted Kindle version (you know how wonky some Kindle books can be-- this is the real deal); or you can even order a PRINT copy such as some old Miskatonic University professor would no doubt prefer to have and to hold, and depending upon his/her paraphilia, to do oh so much more in the shadow of a dark Cyclopean Tunnel of Love . . .
Copy this link and put it in your browser (Because for whatever no reason at all, my web editor is not letting me insert a URL link into the text itself)---
--- to view the free website version or get a Kindle or hardcopy. If you order the Kindle of the Print version through this link, some money goes to the eZine, so do it that way, unless you hate the eZine and hate me and you are like a crack addict who has had some crack but not quite enough, and so you're like a cranky crack addict all day. Good day, sir, I say to you!
But I still beg you go to Amazon.com to order directly.
SEXUAL CONGREES WITH TREES?
SEXUAL CONGRESS WITH TREES! Good God man, what's wrong with you? I dunno . . . What's that called medically? And then, sex with DEAD trees, such as the PRINT copy of this issue . . . Well I've leave that to the experts (do any exist? If not I shall have to invent them for a story sometime). There are some great contributors this issue, guest-edited by my fairly long-time pal Aaron J. French.
Go take a peep at the TOC at least, it costs nothing to check it out. I'm sorry, that was rude, who am I to tell you what to do with your life. Please accept my apologies.
NEXT UP: more on I CAN TASTE THE BLOOD, Coming from Grey Matter Press in August and featuring John F.D. Taff, Josh Malerman, J. Daniel Stone, and Joe Schwartz, and a schmuck named me.
YEAH, I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU, READER!
Coming this fall from Dark Regions Press…
This Sweet Post O’Mine is mostly culled from a blog Michael Bailey posted at his WRITTEN BACKWARDS site. Visit that blog for more information and loads more illustrations for YOU, HUMAN, as well as information and links on Dark Regions Press, and others important, unprecedented people/places/things!
What does it mean to be alive? What does it mean to be real? What does it mean to exist? And most importantly, what does it mean to be human? You, Human, Michael Bailey’s first science fiction anthology for Dark Regions Press, will tackle those heavy questions. Twenty-four mind-bending works by some of the best in the business explore humanism through science fiction’s various sub-genres, split into three sections by poetic law.
LISTEN UP! I’M ONLY GOING TO COPY AND PASTE THIS TEXT ONCE:
The Three Laws of Humanity:
AND YES, THAT SAME F. PAUL WILSON WHO WROTE THE KEEP! THE KEEP!
DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YA? YEAH I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU!
You, Human will contain the following works of fiction, which will be split into three sections (one for each of the three laws) by poetry. In no particular order:
Thanks to Michael Bailey for accepting my story “The Immigrants” for this anthology. And much love to all the contributors, many of whom I have shared many pages with over the past couple of years—and not a single disease transmitted among us, far as I know . . . unless enthusiasm for giving writing all you can is a disease. Which, very well may be, some OCD?
PROBABLY MOST LIKELY WON’T SEE YOU!
But it’s the thought that counts, so as your friend with too many thoughts to count (but not enough good ones), I remain, naturally, because why would I suddenly not be the person writing this, your friend,
Erik t [sic] Johnson
From THE MASTERFUL GREY MATTER PRESS . . . COMING AUGUST 2016 . . .
UH, WHAT'S COMING?
WOULD BE GOOD TO KNOW,
IN ANY CASE, VISIT
& FIND OUT HOW
NOT TO BE PREPARED.
I MEAN, IF IT WERE
A VISIONARY NIGHTMARE FIVEFOLD*****
CONVERGING UPON YOUR PATHETIC, CONCRETE & STEEL,
"THEY'LL HUFF & PUFF & BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN"-HOUSE,
THAT WOULD BE BAD.
THERE'S NO WAY OUT
AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE, WHAT WITH
THE BRILLIANT TERROR AND HORROR AND
COLD, UNYIELDING COSMOS . . .
HYMN, NEVER MIND.
LET'S JUST SAY THAT EVEN IF YOU WANTED TO LEAVE,
THEY WOULDN'T LET YOU, OK?
MAYBE, LATER, WE CAN SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT . . .
YOU'LL PROBABLY BE SPEECHLESS BY THEN.
***** Josh Malerman, Joe Schwarz,
Erik T. Johnson, J. Daniel Stone, and John F.D. Taff
I am super-exited like Oh My Glob that my novella AN OCEAN BETWEEN THEM will appear shortly in the eldritch Lovecraft ezine issue 37, guest edited by the magisterial editor/author A.J. French. And check out the other contributors! Glub glub, sure. But I am drowning in lucky waters.
OMG, you guys, you guys, this is super exciting. CHIRAL MAD 3 is now available for order at DARK REGIONS PRESS!
The table of contents, below, is an incredible line-up. Wish I had the time to give them all a shout-out, but just pretend I'm bellowing each time you read on of the authors' names below I have two poems in it, or two galoshes if you prefer to replace the word "poems" with galoshes. You see where I'm going.
This is an amazing book. I'm not just saying that like how all those French guys said "Oui, you great Nordic types are welcome to our City of Paris, please take it over" back in WWII. No. I'm with Sartre, his lazy eye and Camus, fighting with the resistance! Now that we're clear about that:
CHIRAL MAD 3 is now available from Written Backwards / Dark Regions Press in trade paperback and eBook, and pre-order for the deluxe signed/lettered hardcover edition is now available (these will sell out quickly, only 26 copies). If you're a collector, you will want to jump on this now. 21 stories, 21 poems, and 45 illustrations by legendary Glenn Chadbourne.
Introduction: Observations on Horror Burnout - Chuck Palahniuk
01. The Poetry of Life - Richard Chizmar
02. The Last Rung on the Ladder - Stephen King
03. A Rift in Reflection - Hal Bodner
04. Windows, Mirrors, Doors - Jason V Brock
05. Prayer - Mort Castle
06. The Agonizing Guilt of Relief (Last Days of a Ready-Made Victim) - Paul Michael Anderson
07. The Black Crow of Boddinstraße - Emily Cataneo
08. A Flash of Red - Erinn Kemper
09. Red Runner vs. The Surgeon, Issue 18 - Jessica May Lin
10. The Dead Collection - Mercedes Murdock Yardley
11. Watch Me - Meghan Arcuri-Moran
12. The Bigger Bedroom - Josh Malerman
13. That Perilous Stuff - Scott Edelman
14. Know Your Code - Ramsey Campbell
15. 3-Dot People - Gene O'Neill
16. Silver Thread, Hammer Ring - Gary A. Braunbeck
17. Those Who Watch From on High - Eric J. Guignard
18. Blood Dust - Max Booth III
19. The Offering on the Hill - Richard Thomas
20. The Whipping Girls - Damien Angelica Walters
21. Seconds - Jack Ketchum
01. Fair - P. Gardner Goldsmith
02. Fail-Safe - Jonathan Balog
03. Folie à Deux - Sydney Leigh
04. Reflecting on Reflections - Bruce Boston
05. Mirror Image - Marge Simon
06. Black River #1 - Elizabeth Massie
07. Prescience - Rose Blackthorn
08. The Speed of Sound - Ciarán Parkes
09. Welcome Home, Darling - Stephanie M. Wytovich
10. Whisper #1 (A Warning) - Erik T. Johnson
11. Whisper #2 (A Prophecy) - Erik T. Johnson
12. Put Me to Dream - Stephanie M. Wytovich
13. Recognizing Trees - Ciarán Parkes
14. Arbitration - Rose Blackthorn
15. Black River #2 - Elizabeth Massie
16. Reflections Through the Raven's Eye - Marge Simon
17. Beyond Symmetry - Bruce Boston
18. Folie à Plusieurs - Sydney Leigh
19. Insomnia in Reverse - Jonathan Balog
20. Promise - P. Gardner Goldsmith
Chiral Mad 3 - Dark Regions Press - Books of Horror, Fantasy and Science Fiction
The third act in the critically-acclaimed series by Written Backwards is a symmetrically-structured anthology of psychological horror by Bram Stoker Award nominated editor Michael Bailey, whose previous anthologies include The Library of the Dead, Qualia Nous and Pellucid Lunacy.
I just finished drafting an awesome long post about how Chiral Mad 3 comes out on March 29th, and guess was? The Imp of the Perverse got busy and it all vanished. and I was gonna make a slideshow with pictures and all!!!!
Update: The Slideshow kinda worked.
So anyway yes PLEASE buy it on March 29 (with a 30-day grace period).
The following is copied by That Amazing Man in His Sleep Deprivation Machine, Extraordereditor, Michael Bailey himself. A Cop-Out? Yeah but, tough cookies. And the news bears repeating in clarion calls from the tops of mountains with too little oxygen at the tip to carry the voices of only the most amplified astronauts. READ FULL DETAILS AFTER Mini Slideshow of Damnation:
CHIRAL MAD 3 will officially launch on 03/29/16 by Written Backwards and Dark Regions Press, and I'm more than excited to release this book into the wild for all to enjoy. This is the most ridiculously ambitious anthology I have ever worked on, and I hope you are pleasantly surprised. With 46 illustrations by Glenn Chadbourne, 21 stories and 20 poems, this book is insane.
"For a writer, the greatest achievement is to create the next great monster. For that is to foresee the future. To be the truest truth teller." - Chuck Palahniuk, from his introduction.
Gene O'Neill - "3-Dot People"
Ramsey Campbell - "Know Your Code"
Jessica May Lin - "Red Runner vs. The Surgeon, Issue 18"
Paul Michael Anderson - "The Agonizing Guilt of Relief (Last Days of a Ready-Made Victim)"
Stephen King - "The Last Rung on the Ladder"
Richard Thomas - "The Offering on the Hill"
Jason V Brock - "Windows, Mirrors, Doors"
Mercedes Murdock Yardley - "The Dead Collection"
Damien Angelica Walters - "The Whipping Girls"
Scott Edelman - "That Perilous Stuff" (novelette)
Erinn Kemper - "A Flash of Red"
Josh Malerman- "The Bigger Bedroom"
Gary A. Braunbeck - "Silver Thread, Hammer Ring" (novelette)
Hal Bodner - "A Rift in Reflection"
Emily Cataneo - "The Black Crow of Boddinstraße"
Mort Castle - "Prayer"
Max Booth III - "Blood Dust"
Meghan Arcuri-Moran - "Watch Me"
Richard Chizmar - "The Poetry of Life"
Eric J. Guignard - "Those Who Watch from on High"
Jack Ketchum - "Seconds"
Elizabeth Massie - "Black River #1" and "Black River #2"
Bruce Boston - "Beyond Symmetry" and "Reflecting on Reflections"
Erik T. Johnson - "Whisper #1 (A Warning)" and "Whisper #2 (A Prophecy)"
Marge Simon - "Mirror Image" and "Reflections through the Raven's Eye"
Stephanie M. Wytovich - "Put Me to Dream" and "Welcome Home
Ciarán Parkes - "The Speed of Sound" and "Recognizing Trees"
Jonathan Balog - "Insomnia in Reverse" and "Fail-safe"
P. Gardner Goldsmith - "Fair" and "Promise"
Rose Blackthorn - "Arbitration" and "Prescience"
Sydney Leigh - "Folie à Deux" and "Folie à Plusieurs"
I have MANY great updates to post here, but it's too early to share any of it with anyone.
So I thought I'd post a free poem. That's right. FREE POEM! And it's not even that good. So don't everyone come running at once.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER
Grandma always said
she'd come back.
She took ghosts for granted, like she knew where she kept the pepper.
But I haven't seen her now for quite some time.
I haven't seen her for a long, long while.
I guess grass will stay green,
The roof above my head.
And still I haven't seen her—and yet, I know:
Grandma rents the dreams
In the hotel of my head.
I don't take dreams for granted, like how she took ghosts.
I don't take dreams for granted.
I don't think they always lie.
I think my dreams of Grandma mean that I'm afraid to die.
The whole point of living is obviously to CREATE MONSTERS. Yet, you don't get many chances to make one. I think that's why there's so many atheists. Do you want a goddamn reason to go on? Then you need a Hell of a beast--but it's also got to be brilliant and entertaining, and, since it's a monster, scary as hell now and then. And literate! Because blood without brains is ubiquitous as the phrase "dime a dozen." As a professional Teratologist,
I recommend you support GAMUT magazine.
As a Professional Teratologist, I suggest you support: GAMUT MAGAZINE.
(I wrote this sentence twice. That's how committed I am to this amazing project come to life.)
Richard Thomas is the mind-bending man behind GAMUT. It will be a website with a wide range of voices—genre-bending, hybrid stories that utilize the best of genre and literary fiction. It will be the monster we've been waiting for (speaking only for myself, and you of course).
And don't take my word for it, I hate sharing.
"Now that short fiction has become as standardized as the SATs and Common Core—all in order to 'judge' and 'rank' writers—I'm excited to see what Richard Thomas brings to the game.Gamut will be the new magazine not written for the little old lady in Dubuque."
—Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club
"Gamut will be cool, and it will be out there, right on the edges of fiction. I can't wait."
—Irvine Welsh, author of Trainspotting
So go to the KICK-STARTER page for GAMUT MAGAZINE.
Erik T. Johnson
Author of FS/FHH (Funny-Strange/Funny Ha-Ha) fiction